Posts Tagged ‘Being A Friend’

Posted on July 7, 2009 - by Jus

Friendly Feedback

Part of my coaching course requires me to assess how I accept feedback when it’s given to me in order to understand the difference between effective feedback and criticism, and how powerful effective feedback can be.

Today I had the opportunity to do this without prompting or request.  One of my dearest friends in the world gave me feedback today.  It was with respect to some actions and words (from me) that had made her feel very uncomfortable… as to her mind, these actions and words were very inappropriate.

It was a great example of just how effective feedback can work positively and constructively in the face of what could be an awkward or relationship damaging conversation.  She was clear and to the point with what was upsetting her, without framing it as personal or a judgment – in fact she did say that she knew that it was her own judgements that had her deem my actions unacceptable.  In this way she gave me the benefit of the doubt (in being unaware that such actions/words would upset her) but clearly stated what her personal boundaries were and asked that I simply not do this again.

It was great feedback that I readily and humbly accepted, along with a profuse apology for upsetting her.  She was right, I was completely unaware of the impact of my actions on her, but felt no need to try to defend myself as I didn’t feel that I was being unjustly accused of being deliberately malicious.  I was grateful to have had these boundaries pointed out to me and I even felt that this feedback was a great testament to the strength of our friendship and ability to be honest with one another.

I learned a lot today about how to accept feedback, how to be a better friend to one of the most special people in the world to me and how powerful an effective feedback conversation can be.

Posted on July 3, 2009 - by Jus

The Relationship Cure

That’s a pretty bold thing to call your book – The Relationship Cure.  As a title I saw on a shelf in Borders, it seemed laced with potentially hollow promises and theories that were virtually impossible to put into place.  However, then I realised that the author was none other than Dr John Gottman.  I bought it immediately.

Dr Gottman is touted as being the USA’s foremost “relationship expert” and not just because he has relevant theories on the subject, but because he approaches this topic with a heavy dose of scientific methodology – including the use of his “relationship lab” – he receives broad acclaim for his research and proposed solutions to some of the problems we all experience in relationships.

The Relationship Cure is a 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family and friendships.  This simple program is based on 20 years worth of research! 

In what I think is a really groundbreaking book, he reveals the key elements of healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of what he calls “emotional connection”.  He also talks about the biggest threats to emotional connection - what he calls the Four Horsemen – a subject he explores in more detail in another of his books.  He introduces the powerful new concept of the emotional “bid,” the fundamental unit of emotional connection – that is to say what we put out there as ‘bids’ for an emotional connection and how the way others react to our emotional bids plays a big role in the strength of our emotional connection with that person.  Of course, he then goes on to provide remarkably empowering tools for improving the way you bid for emotional connection and how you respond to others’ bids.

It’s a book that I plan on reading with my husband.  There are many exercises scattered throughout the book to assist us in developing our understanding of ourselves and of one another and where our emotional connection stands right now.

I have no doubt that I will write more about this book and our commitment to putting the steps in place in our marriage, so stay tuned for updates and (more than likely) some hysterical stories of where it all goes a little bit wrong.

Posted on June 30, 2009 - by Jus

Wise Advice from George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.