Posted on July 22, 2009 - by Jus

104| Trust vs Doubt

I did this class a long time ago, when I first started my course, but I thought it was worth detailing my reflections from this topic on my blog, because I really believe this topic is a key element how I will continue to succeed in growing my thinking.

Doubt is talked about in this topic in the context of the worry, or concern, or agony we cause ourselves when we sit in judgement.  My therapist often talked about this same thing, but she called it “the should disease” – that is to say that while we take the judgement that something should be a certain way, or that a certain situation can be good or bad – then we will create Doubt in our lives instead of Trust.

Let me put it another way… if I am of the opinion that my husband should react in a certain way when I get home from work in a bad mood, then I am creating a judgement that causes concern or hurt in me when he reacts in a different way, or a way that I perceive to be ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’.  That can then lead to even further judgements and wind up creating even further Doubt in me with regards to my relationship.

However, if I was to approach that same situation from the perspective of Trust, I may feel more empowered to act rather than wait for his reaction… I might come home in my bad mood, explain to him why I am feeling so rotten and ask him to fetch me a glass of wine while I take a bath and ‘wash away the day’… would my husband have any other reaction than to do ask I politely asked him?  Of course not!

The key to moving into a perspective of Trust is to forget perfection.  Turn Anxiety into Anticipation!  Who am I to judge that something is actually imperfect?  Is that my perspective?  Or just what I have been brought up to believe?  It all starts with that age old parental “teaching ‘em right from wrong” philosophy… if that line is drawn in such thick black marker, it can leave a child living their life in a constant state of Doubt.

This topic is 100% Asset-Based-Thinking – about appreciating antagonists as an opportunity to learn, about always looking at the possible advantages in an imperfect situation.  So here are my reflections (from some years ago now!) on this topic (part I):

Describe two issues in your life right now that are a problem. (For example, you live next to a noisy neighbor, there is lack of funds, there is an annoying colleague.)

Currently I don’t see enough of my partner, I feel like a single parent again.
Work is frustrating and unfulfilling.

Add to this list one area of your life where you have a concern.

I am eating terribly and not taking care of my health & fitness.

What is the underlying Judgment that makes each of these a problem and a concern?

1. That my partner is putting work and other commitments before me and my son.
2. That the people I work with and the structure of the company are flawed and useless.
3. That I am not prioritising myself ahead of other things?

For each of the three problems you listed above, list advantages for having these issues in your life right now. For a bonus, come to the point of seeing that each of these problems are actually Perfect in your life, right now. Can you see what the advantages are?

Advantages:
1. I get more “me” time and it also allows me more one-on-one time with my son.
2. I am learning new skills in negotiation, tolerance, diplomacy and applying skills learnt in this course such as giving effective feedback, reframing perceptions and active listening.
3. I am aware of my dietary and fitness issues and recognise that I could be taking more active care of myself. Some people eat the way I do now and don’t do any exercise and don’t recognise the affect on their health – so the fact that I am aware of it is positive.

Perfection
1. The timing of his additional commitments is perfect as it allows me the time I need to navigate study, work, being a mum and other personal commitments without worrying about neglecting my relationship.
2. I am an active learner that needs to apply what I learn in a real environment. My workplace provides me with this perfect opportunity.
3. I am taking the best care of my self possible given my current commitments…. (no, still don’t think this is perfect!!)

List three Antagonists from your past. (Any circumstances or people who seemed like a problem or burden?)
1. Sue O
2. Falling pregnant (unplanned and not in a relationship with the father)
3. My father

How did each Antagonist help you grow further? Did any “encourage” you to take a new decision or change direction?
1. Learnt what kind of boss I did NOT want to be, lead to me being a coaching-style boss, which led me to here!
2. Made me decide to take a different road in life – leave the career-ambitious me behind and tred a new path, a more fulfilling path.
3. Made me realise that the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.

BONUS: Acknowledge one of these Antagonists for their contribution to your growth. (If the antagonist was a person, you may want to call or send them a letter.)

Gosh I would really love to do this for Sue O!! Do I dare??

Related Stories:

1. 102 | Perspective
2. 103 | Effective Feedback