Archive for July 2nd, 2009

Posted on July 2, 2009 - by Jus

102 | Commitment vs Trying

The first topic in the Power Tools subject of my Coaching Course is called Commitment vs Trying.  In fact, every topic in the subject is a ‘vs’ proposition.  Which I quite like, it’s a great way to see the juxtaposition of two ends of a spectrum and the impact of each.

The premise is that no matter what you are doing or thinking or saying at any given moment of the day, you are committed to something.  Even that man in the comic who is being told by his girlfriend that he is a commitment-phobe, is committed to something… he’s committed to avoiding being tied down by a relationship.

The course talks a lot about Underlying Automatic Commitments (UAC) and how as a coach, my role will be to show my clients what their UACs might be in order for them to make a decision about how best to move forward.

Perhaps this is best explained with the discussion questions…

What are three things in your life that you have committed to and achieved?

1. When I went back to full time work, I committed to leaving the office no later than 5pm each day so that I can spend as much time as possible with my son before his bedtime of 7.30pm.  I have achieved this, 95% of the time I am out the door and in my car on the way to my son by 5pm.

2. I recently committed to reorganising my house so that it’s not so cluttered, every room is organised.  Over the past two weeks I have rearranged furniture, bought storage systems, thrown away items not needed and given away clothing and toys to the local thrift shop.

3. I committed at the beginning of this year to eating less meat, with a view to eliminating it from my diet entirely by the end of 2009.  Thus far I have managed to reduce my meat intake to once or twice a week and I am on track to have eliminated it entirely well before the end of the year.

What are three things you have been trying to achieve for a long time, but haven’t?

1. I have wanted to do this life coaching course and graduate from it so that I can begin my new career as a certified professional coach.

2. I have wanted to get my clarinet re-padded and fit for use by my son so that he can begin to learn to play a musical instrument.

3. I have wanted to paint something on canvas to give to my friend’s daughter.

Why have you been able to achieve the things in question one, but not those in question two?

Those things in question one are things that I have committed myself to.  I have diarised them, made them a priority, considered a plan to achieve them and then set about putting those steps in place.

Whereas the items in question two, my commitments have lay elsewhere.  Until just this past month, I had not made the commitment to finishing my study, not diarised the lessons or ample study time.  I have not done any research on where I should take my clarinet, I have made mental notes to do it, but it’s never made it on to the daily checklist of ‘must do today’ items.  I started the painting for my friend’s daughter, I even told my friend that I was doing it, but if I am honest, I have been committed to doing other things… building a new blog, working on my marriage, getting on top of my day job workload…

What structures do you have in place to support your commitments?

I find that I need to do a couple of things to support my commitments.  First, I need to diarise it.  In doing this, I am making it a priority in my week and assigning the necessary time to dedicate to it.  Second, I often need to add it to a list, have it in black and white so that I can ‘check it off’ physically in some way.  My 101 List is an example of this, as is my workbook with my daily to do list.  I also keep little notes of things to do in my phone’s memo pad.  And finally, I need a deadline – without a timeframe I will let things slide and turn my focus to other commitments that do have a timeframe!

Can you think of any UACs you might have which empower you and make your life better?

Most certainly.  My UAC of viewing every experience as a life lesson empowers me to stay positive and look for the good and/or the lesson in every situation.  My UAC that my family comes before anything else empowers me to ensure I maintain a positive work/life balance.  My UAC that I am in control of my own fate helps me to continually make decisions to move myself forward and not dwell in negativity.

So – some questions for you!  What’s your UAC?  Is it empowering you?  Could you have a more powerful UAC instead?

Posted on July 2, 2009 - by Jus

103 | Effective Feedback

The concept of using effective feedback as a coach is based on the principles of using compassion and truth to open up new opportunities for clients.  It’s somewhat related to Perspective, because effective feedback can create a kind of awareness that makes a difference to how one sees things.

To give you examples, I am going to answer the discussion questions for this topic:

What kind of feedback has made a difference for you?

I can think of three instances where some very effective feedback made an enormous difference to my life. 

1.  A previous boss once told me “we’d like you to show the clients more of the Justine we get to see here in the office”
He made this comment in reference to my tendency to ‘over-professionalise’ my manner with clients.  I knew this came from being placed in management positions from a very young age and a sense of insecurity about being seen as ‘out of my depth’ or ‘too young for the job’.  But ultimately I took his feedback on board, showed more of my quirky side and clients really warmed to it!

2.  A friend once told me that I am generous to a fault and that I take on too much.
I took that as meaning I am a walk over!  No seriously I could see what she meant – I needed to learn when and how to say ‘no’.  I have become a lot better at this and it’s made an enormous difference to my life.

3.  A therapist once told me that she had observed that I take on too much responsibility for the deterioration of my relationship with my father.
Which was true at the time.  This feedback helped me to reframe my perspective and see more clearly where he was at fault and not to automatically take the blame.  It was very nourishing for my soul to have this feedback!

What kind of feedback has left you disempowered?

“Feedback” that is dismissive or invalidating.  To be told “I don’t see what you’re so worked up about” can make me feel very tiny, misunderstood and hurt.  Similar types of “feedback” are comments like “I think you’re being ridiculous”, “no you’re wrong” and “why on earth would you think/say/do that?”.

What is the difference between feedback and criticism?

Feedback comes from an objective place, free of judgement and opinion.  It is based on observations and a level of empathy for the person’s thoughts, feelings and reactions.  It offers a different point of view which is heavily grounded, and communicated, in understanding.  It is neither positive, nor negative.

Criticism comes from a subjective place, it is riddled with judgements and opinions which are based on your own thoughts, feelings and reactions.  It may be a different point of view, but it displays no level of understanding or empathy for the other person.  As a result, the person receiving this “false feedback” will perceive it as negative.

What is the purpose of feedback in a coaching situation?

Feedback is designed as another form of reframing perspective.  In a coaching situation it plays a role in helping the client to see things differently through insights not previously discovered, opening their mind to other opportunities or expanding their vision.